


love/paranoia

by toews



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Angst, Blow Jobs, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Hand Jobs, Idiots in Love, M/M, Miscommunication, Mutual Pining, Porn with Feelings, apple watches, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:42:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23812924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/toews/pseuds/toews
Summary: Jonny’s leaning against his counter, cherishing his morning coffee when his watch buzzes. At first, he thinks it’s Patrick asking if he wants a ride, but he’s surprised to see Patrick finished a workout, labelled as Play. Jonny’s not really able to process that, not while he’s still caffeinating so he dismisses it and takes another sip.
Relationships: Patrick Kane/Jonathan Toews
Comments: 9
Kudos: 107





	love/paranoia

**Author's Note:**

> Title from the song love/paranoia by Tame Impala because it's basically this fic. 
> 
> Brief overview of Apple Watch activity sharing:  
\- you can share activity levels with friends  
when you finish it sends them a notification (and quick reply options to encourage them)  
-the notification tells you what kind of workout, how many calories burned, how far if it’s a run etc  
\- you can track workouts under a series of different names I stumbled upon “play” which is how this was created lol  
-you also get notifications when you meet your own goals/exercise a certain amount

Jonny’s leaning against his counter, cherishing his morning coffee when his watch buzzes. At first, he thinks it’s Patrick asking if he wants a ride, but he’s surprised to see Patrick finished a workout, labelled as _Play_. Jonny’s not really able to process that, not while he’s still caffeinating so he dismisses it and takes another sip.

It happens a second time, a third time, a fourth and then more times than Jonny counts. Never while they’re together. The workouts are never long enough for hockey in Jonny’s opinion, too sporadic. Jonny doubts he’s playing hockey at 11pm some nights. They skate together, they warm up together, they work out together, what the fuck could it be? It crawls under his skin unlike any way Patrick usually does. And it stings.

They're finishing an off-ice workout and Patrick’s still panting when he asks Jonny if he wants to go out to grab a bite with the other guys. Jonny leaps at the chance to ask without asking.

“I’m gonna hit the hydromassage tub, see how it makes me feel tomorrow.” Jonny answers.

“Changing things up, are we?” Patrick laughs, wiping his sweat on their way out of the room.

Jonny stops in front of the door to the massage area and grins, “I guess you inspired me, Kaner.”

Patrick looks at him baffled, as he passes towards the locker room. “Jonny, man, you’d know if I were changing things up.” Jonny frowns as he goes, because, _fucking hell_, Jonny knows that. 

Jonny’s watch vibrates while he’s running one day, halting him mid stride. It's so abruptly another runner has to dodge him, glaring the entire time. He offers a sheepish smile before glancing down only to find out that he’s run two miles. He huffs at how dumb this is but decides to alter his route past his own house, down the familiar path towards Patrick’s in the same breath.

Patrick doesn’t always have to workout with Jonny, doesn’t need to tell Jonny everything either. Patrick’s been playing great, awesome even. If his extra workouts don’t hinder his game, who is Jonny to say anything? Not even if physical performance is the one thing that bonds them. The thought brings an entirely different tide of awful through Jonny.

_No._ Patrick and Jonny bond over so much more than physical performance, more than the team, more than their _job_. Patrick and Jonny are friends, best fucking friends. Patrick can do whatever, with whoever he wants. Just because it’s typical that he would tell Jonny what he was doing doesn’t mean he has to. Maybe it agonizes Jonny, because he literally fucking _said_ Jonny’d know and he doesn’t. Jonny feels like he’s running in circles. The unease dissipates the closer he gets to Patrick, though. 

Jonny sprints.

Jonny relaxes at Patrick’s amused chuckle when he opens the door and lets Jonny through. He still strides in through to the living room just to… Just to look. It’s without taking off his shoes but not without Patrick bitching at him for it.

“Fucking shoes, Jonny! What’re you doing here?” He gripes, following him in.

“Just wanted to see you, Kaner,” It’s the truth. Jonny’s still heaving around a faint smile to deal with his own ridiculousness. Doesn’t entertain that it could be because he doesn’t find anyone there. Why would he care if someone was?

“Oh my god, go shower you freak.” Patrick’s staring at him like the lunatic he is when he picks off his shirt to wipe away his sweat.

“I’ll order dinner, yeah?” Patrick offers, sounding normal enough, but the way his eyes dart around him, looking as frantic as Jonny felt on the way over, it pins him.

He opens his mouth to diffuse it when Patrick says “Yes, I’ll order sushi Jonny, then we can play some NHL.”

So of course Jonny chucks his shirt in his face on his way. He skips the guest room ensuite in favour of Patrick’s, where he keeps his own body wash because the shit Patrick buys breaks him out.

He knew there’d be no one else here. Patrick was hammering about relaxing today after the game last night, saying with travelling back to backs, everyone else should be too. He would’ve cared if someone had, he’ll admit it to himself. He’s rolling out his shoulders under the spray when he realizes him and Patrick are going to _play_. Of course, it’s video games. Jonny feels righteous relief overcome him, shuts off the spray and dries himself off. __

_ __ _

He’s springing over to Patrick’s closet to grab some of his own clothes and he’s grinning. He puts on his watch and as soon as he unlocks it his grin drops. A notification pops up._ Peeks finished a workout: Play_ timestamped for now.

_ __ _

“Patrick, you’re not starting without me, are you?” Jonny calls.

_ __ _

When he reaches the living room the TV’s blank and Patrick’s not there. Annoyed, he rounds to the kitchen, only to find it empty too. Jonny is bewildered, but hears a noise that pulls him back into the foyer, where he finds Patrick opening the door for the food. 

_ __ _

Jonny walked past the foyer, is the thing, walked past all the common areas. Where was he hiding? In the spare room? Jonny kinda wants to run back to see what it looks like in there, make sure Patrick didn’t convert it into a gym just to feel some type of grip on reality. He doesn’t look like he’s endured some hidden workout session though. Besides the pink tinge to his cheeks, Jonny can’t say he looks any different at all. It’s not even what he’s doing that gets Jonny anymore. It’s that he keeps Jonny out of it, hides it. 

_ __ _

Patrick just beams at him when he closes the door. It's not new, how it punches through Jonny. 

_ __ _

“Want a drink Pat? I want a drink,” Jonny mumbles, turning back into the kitchen, away from it. 

_ __ _

The drinks come back to bite Jonny in the ass though. He’s entranced by Patrick’s lips on his bottle, how his throat works when he swallows.

_ __ _

“Hey, Pat, Patrick.” He starts, means to disrupt it. The sound of Jonny’s voice makes Patrick’s face veer towards him just as he goes to take another sip and some of the beer spills out onto his lips. All Jonny can do is follow when Patrick’s tongue darts around to catch before it slides down his chin. Patrick simply sucks in his bottom lip and raises his eyebrows in question. It still has Jonny’s skin prickling which he’s used to, spilled beer or not. 

_ __ _

“Wanna play?” He finishes, absently.

_ __ _

Patrick flashes him an impish grin and Jonny blanches. There’s no way. He couldn’t know how obsessed Jonny’s getting with this. “Yeah, Jonny I want to play with you.” Patrick says, so nonchalantly, which it is. It _is_ and Jonny’s losing his fucking mind, he thinks. 

_ __ _

“Patrick,” Jonny starts, frenzied. He really doesn’t know where he’s going with it, doesn’t know how to articulate how he’s feeling, couldn’t explain it to himself right now even if he tried. It lapses when Patrick kicks his shin and laughs with a shake of his head. 

_ __ _

He nods his head over to the tv with a warm smile and asks Jonny so gently to “be a bro and grab the controllers,” that Jonny listens and does. Despite the acrid feeling that he’s missing something, he tries to smile because it’s him that Patrick’s smiling at, it’s him that Patrick is with. Jonny doesn’t know what the fuck he’s _playing_ at but there’s nothing better than this, not for him. He can only really ignore how much more he wants from Patrick by focusing on what he already has.

_ __ _

They’re in Vancouver, unable to squeak out a win, which seems to be the usual these days. It wears at Jonny. With all these nerves bunching at him, he falls into his usual circuit. It's not until his heart rate is ratcheting higher and his breaths are harsh that he thinks to track it on his watch. He’s just about to click to the app when a new notification comes in that Patrick has finished a workout… and it’s labeled _Play_. 

_ __ _

Jonny’s eyes jump to the door between their rooms. It’s open and he’s rushing, tearing through it to ask Patrick what the fuck kind of playing could he be doing after a shitshow like that.

_ __ _

“Are you fu—” Jonny’s outburst dies in his throat as soon as he gets a foot in the door. He is not prepared to find Patrick in his bed with his stunned eyes on Jonny. Much less for when his lips part open, how his chest heaves, how far his blush goes or to see his hands hesitate on his dick. Shit.

_ __ _

Jonny’s also flushed up nice from his workout, sweat prickling at his temples but he can feel it, his face burning hotter. It’s the flick of Patrick’s tongue out of his mouth that jolts him into spinning right around and out back to his workout, slamming the door like he should’ve in the first place.

_ __ _

He knows now at least, what Patrick’s Play workouts are. It should be hilarious that he’s been so tormented by something so Patrick. The anxiety about it doesn’t go away though, it surges tenfold and that’s what Jonny doesn’t understand. His dick reminds him, perks right up. He’s always been into Patrick, never fought himself on it, only tried to live through it. 

_ __ _

*

_ __ _

When Jonny gets to the bus for the airport, Patrick’s sitting near the front with a smirk on his face, like he can’t help it. He looks so fucking normal, it twists Jonny’s face into a frown. It’s what meets Patrick’s eyes as they flick to Jonny, makes his smile waver and his gaze dim but Jonny flits his eyes over and past him so casually, he misses it.

_ __ _

Patrick lingers at the empty seat next to him on the plane to Edmonton, just looming. It’s not until one of the guys behind him tells him to hurry up that he sits down. He looks like he wants to say something and it’s a hardship not to push him when he’s chewing on his lip like that but Jonny doesn’t. So there’s Patrick dozing off to his music and Jonny with his phone out. He’s not proud of it but he goes through his Activity app, to the Sharing section to see all the times Patrick’s recorded himself jerking off and okay, it’s a lot. 

_ __ _

Jonny knew that, that’s why it was always on his mind. Patrick’s his best friend. Of course he’d wonder if Patrick was hiding something, they share everything. They give each other shit while squeezing themselves into each other’s business and Jonny loves it. He glances over at Patrick, notices the way his eyelashes fan and how his head tipped back forces his lips to part, exposes his neck. _Fuck,_ he sighs. When isn’t he thinking about Patrick?

_ __ _

They have practice straight off the plane and Jonny would love the distraction if his mind wasn’t clouded with Patrick. Jonny wants to look at every single one of Patrick’s workouts and track them, analyze them. He could do with a few minutes to reel in his feelings too. Jonny knows he can be overbearing, can’t imagine containing how he feels about Patrick anymore than he does but this feels unhinged.

_ __ _

He’s staring at Patrick, doesn’t realize it until Patrick’s eyes jump to his. Jonny twists from being caught so quickly that he loses his balance a bit but welcomes Sharpy’s sliding in to chirp him for it. If only for something else to focus on.

_ __ _

The insanity of it doesn’t leave him the entire time so he’s nodding along before he even realizes the guys are suggesting a pre-nap lunch together. All he wants to do is be alone, maybe steal Patrick but he follows them. Wouldn’t really be right for the captain to back out after saying yes.

_ __ _

Jonny wishes he’d gotten a headstart on snagging the chairs along one side of the big table they’re brought to. As it is, he’s trying to squeeze between the table and the bench against the wall. Patrick slips in right behind. “Baby got back?” Patrick cackles, slapping it. The rest of the guys laugh which makes Jonny’s ears turn pink as he sinks down next to him. Jonny can’t tamp down his smile, making Patrick’s grin brighten.

_ __ _

All lunch, Patrick doesn’t stop touching him. It’s how they usually are, Jonny knows, but now it’s all he can concentrate on. Patrick’s knee bouncing against his, Patrick’s elbows knocking into him, and worst of all is when Patrick’s glass clinks his watch as he sets it down, leaving Patrick’s fingers brushing against his. It races his mind back to last night.

_ __ _

He’s suddenly overcome with the need to know why Patrick was watching Jonny’s door… like he was waiting for him and he wants to know right now. He can’t let this one go. He flexes his hand before snatching it off the table, resting it between them instead.

_ __ _

Jonny wants to get back into the conversations around him, he does but Patrick’s knee is knocking his watch into his skin every time. He presses his palm down on Patrick’s thigh, warning. Patrick’s hand is quick to cover it and Jonny’s breath catches. 

_ __ _

A roar of laughter from the guys startles Jonny’s hand up onto the table. Seabs has just knocked his drink into Duncs’ food. For weeks, he was distraught because Patrick was keeping things from him. Now, Jonny’s dizzy with the idea that he might be more involved than he realized. He glances at Patrick and Patrick’s already watching him. 

_ __ _

When Jonny’s back in his room, he can’t shed his clothes fast enough before he’s starting his _workout_.

_ __ _

It’s effortless to sink into his sheets and envision Patrick, while he gets his hands on himself. It’s so easy to imagine walking up to him in his bed last night, running his hands across his chest, chasing the flush with them, down to his drying come. He’d rub it into his skin, before scooping some up and feeding it to him. He’d get his fingers into that fucking mouth, finally, let Patrick suck on them a little. He’d look up at Jonny with his pretty blue eyes before Jonny couldn’t resist leaning in and tasting.

_ __ _

Jonny hears the door slam next door, like Patrick wants him to know he’s back and it unleashes a twist of arousal so heavy he throws his head back on it.

_ __ _

He can see it clearly. Patrick on the other side of the wall right now, touching himself like Jonny is, with Jonny on his mind. Patrick’s eyes on their connecting door, waiting for Jonny to walk through. Then he’s thinking of Patrick jerking it like that, wishing he would. Patrick being so close that when his watch buzzes with the notification that Jonny’s finished a _Play_ workout, the knowledge of what it means sending Patrick over the edge and yeah, _fuck, yeah_ the vision has Jonny shooting all over himself too. 

_ __ _

He should go over there, say something but they have a game tonight and Jonny needs to sleep, so he does.

_ __ _

*

_ __ _

Seabs steps out of the hall the same time as Jonny and marches over when he catches sight of him.

_ __ _

“I know Vancouver was rough,” Jonny flinches, “but we got a clean slate tonight, no use worrying over it.” He finishes, pressing the button down for the elevator. It dawns on Jonny that he’s talking about the game, which is miles away from his head right now. There’s a couple doors closing, other guys joining them as the elevator opens.

_ __ _

“If I never thought about last night again, it’d be too soon.” Jonny assures walking in, and hears a harsh breath behind them. It’s Patrick.

_ __ _

“Hey Peeks,” He murmurs, but Patrick just gives him a smile that doesn’t really meeting his eyes when he steps in and turns around towards the door

_ __ _

Patrick knows, has to know that _Jonny_ knows. He looks as unsettled as Jonny felt but he’s not freaking out. Jonny can be better about it too. He’s been the one making things weird, he can own up to that, fix it. He’s been doing this for years and going against the stream hasn't ever done them good. 

_ __ _

*

_ __ _

Jonny cannot fix it. 

_ __ _

They’re back on the road, heading out for a team dinner so Jonny’s routinely unlatching the connecting door between their rooms because Patrick is prone to forgetting his room key. 

_ __ _

He thought things were going okay, back to normal. He can be around Patrick without feeling or acting like a total maniac. Patrick is as friendly as ever with Jonny, but when he thinks about it, it feels off. They haven’t even used their connecting doors since Vancouver. 

_ __ _

It hits him then, that Patrick hasn’t had anymore _Play_ workouts since Jonny did in Edmonton either. It evokes such a deep wave of embarrassment that he’s flaming up all alone.

_ __ _

At dinner, Jonny is on edge so he sits a couple seats across and away from Patrick. Still, he catches himself watching Patrick lean into Sharpy’s side, his eyes shining with laughter at whatever he says. It’s innocent enough but it boils under Jonny's skin just how odd things have been. He spends a lot of time with Patrick, but he’s been holding back, almost filtering himself with Jonny. He busies himself, gets involved the conversations that Patrick isn’t, but it still burns.

_ __ _

Jonny feels like he’s breaking all over again, when the guys are all making noise about a nightcap at the hotel bar. He wants to bow out but Saader asks him so earnestly if he’s coming that he can’t find it in him to say no to a bonding opportunity.

_ __ _

This time Jonny squeezes in next to Patrick, doesn’t really have a choice with the tiny booth they’re given. It relaxes Jonny to just shoot the shit with them. Patrick’s leaning into him, speaking animatedly with his hands to Duncs and that relaxes him too. Jonny zones out, taking in the space, pretty busy for a hotel bar if you ask him. When the server swings back about a second round, she says something about a gaming conference. He snorts and Patrick drops a hand in his lap, arches a brow at him in question.

_ __ _

“I am not the only one thinking how hot these gamers are,” Jonny argues and then they’re all looking, agreeing. Who ever heard of a gaming conference in Anaheim anyway? It has Jonny smiling when Saader says it aloud a second later.

_ __ _

“Yeah, well there’s a brunette at the bar who looks like she’d play you,” Patrick snipes, and Jonny whips his head to him heart racing, while everyone else goes searching.

_ __ _

Patrick meets his gaze, eyes hot and chin lifted. It’s the most emotion Jonny’s received from him in days and it strikes a nerve within him. Jonny knows he’s been clumsy with how he feels but _this_— Patrick’s taunting him.

_ __ _

“I’m done playing.” Jonny seethes low and even, flexing his hand around Patrick’s then pushing it off. He’s downing the rest of his drink when the guys start concurring that there is in fact someone hot staring at Jonny.

_ __ _

“Yeah, yeah guys, I’m gonna go.” He cajoles but when he gets up, he’s walking out past the bar and back to his room. He’s half hard and resolves that getting off is one way to expel all this energy.

_ __ _

Jonny’s already naked in bed, reaching out for the lube he tossed onto the bed when Patrick storms through his door yelling “what the—” but he stops short at the sight. Jonny would laugh at how identical it is to that night in Vancouver if Patrick didn’t curl his lips into a wicked grin and stride forward.

_ __ _

“You should’ve done this,” he says muffled, through his shirt that he’s twisting off, shedding the rest of his clothes.

_ __ _

“Done what?” Jonny answers when he catches up.

_ __ _

“Stayed.” He says, straddling his thighs, pushing his shoulders back.

_ __ _

“Yeah?” Jonny challenges, fingers ghosting Patrick’s hips, smirking when he shivers.

_ __ _

“I thought about it,” Patrick whispers, fingers trailing up and down Jonny’s arms before cradling his face, pressing in and kissing him. He tastes like the sweet drink he ordered but underneath he’s just warm and wet and Patrick. Jonny wraps his arms around his back, hauling him closer. It lines up their dicks, and they both moan. 

_ __ _

“What else?” Jonny pants when they part, trying not to freak out because really he doesn’t want to think, just _wants_.

_ __ _

“Everything, Jonny. This,” he mumbles, sucking the scar on his lip. “This” he says, tracing Jonny’s chest and abs, biting his lip when the muscles bunch under his touch. Jonny wants to reach out and rub at his lips, how red they’ve become from him. He does, realizing he can. Patrick tilts into it, poking his tongue out at his thumb to swipe the pad before sucking on it. Jonny feels his dick jump against Patrick’s and he flashes teeth before pulling off with a pop. 

_ __ _

“Fuck,” Patrick moans, rocking against him. He looks down where Jonny’s leaking, moves down to rub it around. He’s shuffling down and Jonny scrambles up onto his elbows to watch him. His mouth parts, but he can’t do anything but breathe.

_ __ _

He jacks him slow and firm until he’s pearling up again and then tongues at it gently sending a wave of heat through Jonny. He keeps his eyes on Jonny’s as he sinks down hot and slick. Patrick’s hands run hot over his thighs until they finally settle gripping the curve of his ass. 

_ __ _

“Think about this tuh-too?” Jonny gasps. He can feel Patrick’s throat flutter when he gets him deep and swallows. He moans around him like a yes with a tight pull up and is quick to sink his nails in when his hips chase it. Patrick brushes over Jonny’s balls and it has them tightening in his fingers. Jonny’s stomach clenches watching Patrick meet him with his blue eyes blown black and he’s shaking, coming into his mouth.

_ __ _

Jonny doesn’t realize he’s white-knuckling the sheets until he shoots his hands out to run down Patrick’s face, pressing into where his throat’s working to swallow and haul him up for a kiss. 

_ __ _

“What’d you do when you thought about me?” Jonny pants, pulling back. Patrick chases his mouth but Jonny can feel him moving around for the discarded lube. “Show me. I wanna see you, baby.” He says, hiking Patrick’s thighs up so he can sit back on his stomach and get himself off.

_ __ _

Patrick’s hair’s a mess, his mouth is swollen and shiny from Jonny, and all his skin is flushed. Jonny thinks he’s never seen him look better. He has to reach out, bat Patrick’s hands away to get his own hands on him. He’s hit with a surge of affection so deep when Patrick lists forward, shoots a hand out onto Jonny’s shoulder to hover and yeah, _now_ he’s never seen him look better.

_ __ _

“This is what I thought about. _Fuck,_” his hips stutter on a particularly tight twist. “Every single time, I just wanted it to be you, touching me.” Patrick reveals roughly, arching into it, trying to get more. Jonny’s hand starts flying on his dick. “Left the door open for you, hoping you would, wishing,” his voice cracks. Jonny pulls him down to swallow his cries and then he’s spilling. 

_ __ _

Patrick doesn’t say anything when Jonny grabs his discarded shirt to wipe them up, just falls back into him when he’s done and hugs him close. 

_ __ _

“What’s been going on with you?” Patrick mumbles, into his skin, sounding small. 

_ __ _

His face is tucked into his neck, soft gusts tickling his ear every time. He opens his mouth to brush it off, but what comes out is “I love you.”

_ __ _

Patrick bounces up to look at him shocked. He hadn’t meant to blurt it out like that but it feels right. 

_ __ _

“I just.. Patrick I thought you had some new workout buddy or something. Or that you were intentionally hiding something from me, which _you were_” he adds when Patrick opens his mouth. “I was just beside myself because I mean, we’ve always been good, yeah? It felt like the beginning of us drifting apart, maybe, and I couldn’t just -- I didn’t want that. Then I thought I was overwhelming you with how much I, you know,” he exhales, “love you.” 

_ __ _

“Fuck off.” Patrick pinches him. Which, “ow!”

_ __ _

“I’ve been pining away and you couldn’t have just fucking said so? Saved us some of the bullshit?” Patrick doesn’t look mad, his eyes are sparkling now, like Jonny’s admission is setting in.

_ __ _

“Why didn’t you say anything?” Jonny tips his chin, challenging.

_ __ _

“I was scared. I didn’t know I could have this. I didn’t want to ruin what we had.” It sounds pretty fucking stupid coming out of Patrick’s mouth, but Jonny knows its true, because he felt the exact same way. 

_ __ _

“And when you said you wanted to forget Vancouver that you were talking about.. I don’t know, I guess I thought...” Patrick shrugs as best he can in Jonny’s arms, looks past Jonny like he’s remembering exactly what he thought.

_ __ _

Jonny’s heart clenches and he reaches out to kiss him fiercely.

_ __ _

“It wasn’t.” Jonny pulls back, “hey, look at me.” Jonny nudges him until he does.

_ __ _

“I love you,” He repeats. Patrick beams at him. 

_ __ _

“Who wouldn’t?” He jokes, leaning in to press his own love confessions against Jonny’s lips.

_ __ _

**Author's Note:**

> @19jtoews on twitter :-) please dm me if you find me on here so I accept (it’s almost all me crying over 19)
> 
> lol be honest did you know what the 'play' workouts were before you found out?


End file.
